Healthy Perfectionism:

·        A need for order and organization

·        Self-acceptance of mistakes

·        High parental expectations

·        Use of positive coping strategies

·        An absence of role models who insisted on always attaining one’s “best”

·        View of personal effort as an important part of perfectionism

Unhealthy Perfectionism:

·        Anxiety about making errors

·        Extremely high standards for oneself

·        Perceived excessive expectations and criticisms from others

·        Questioning one’s own judgments

·        Lack of effective coping strategies

·        Need for constant approval

Where does perfectionism come from?

          There are many internal and external forces that can drive a student to perfectionism.  An auditory-sequential thinking and learning style (left-brained) lends itself to perfectionism, due to the linear approach to life (Webb, et al).  Also, a young child who receives constant praise for being the quick, correct and perfect they are will come to expect that he or she must always appear that way in order to be valued.  These entrenched high expectations become disabling when the child reaches something that is not as easy for them.

What can parents do to help?

          Many suggestions are out there to help parents with this overwhelming problem.  Here is a compiled list from various sources (Clark; Walker):

·        Provide experiences that will allow your child to stretch himself within a safe environment.  Not too hard, not too easy.

·        Support learning and struggle: compliment the work and thinking that she has done. 

·        Notice feelings together when a mistake is made and learn how to cope with them.

·        Calmly acknowledge and affirm a child’s frustration (“You’d like for that to be done perfectly, wouldn’t you?”)

·        Tell your child that you understand her desire to do well and recognize her fear.

·        Make your home an emotionally safe place for exploring new topics and ideas.

·        Help him to organize and manage his time.  Set goals.

·        Let them know that you value uniqueness and originality.

·        Celebrate successes and learn from mistakes.

·        Praise your child’s efforts, not results.  (“It looks like you’re really excited about this project.”  or “Isn’t it fun that you get to learn so many new and interesting things while working on this project?”)

·        Say, “What can you learn from this?” in a way that shows that you are really interested in the learning that happened when the result is not what anyone anticipated. Avoid criticism!

·        Do not do tasks for your child.

·        Remind her that everyone fails on occasion and it’s okay.

·        Read some biographies together of top achievers and discuss their struggles.

·        Model healthy perfectionism behaviors: set realistic goals for yourself; learn to relax; accept your own mistakes and talk about them; prioritize your time and efforts.

References and Resources for Parents

Adderholdt, Miriam and Jan Goldberg. Perfectionism: What’s Bad

About Being Too Good? 1992, Free Spirit Publishing, Inc.

Minneapolis, MN.

Clark, Barbara. Growing Up Gifted, Seventh Edition. 2008, Pearson

Education, Inc. Upper Saddle River, NJ.

Greenspon, Thomas. Freeing our Families from Perfectionism. 2001,

Free Spirit Publishing, Inc.  Minneapolis, MN.

Ruf, Deborah. Losing Our Minds: Gifted Children Left Behind. 2005,

Great Potential Press. Scottsdale, AZ.

Walker, Sally Yahnke. The Survival Guide for Parents of Gifted Kids:

How to Understand, Live With, and Stick Up for Your Gifted

Child. 2002, Free Spirit Publishing, Inc.  Minneapolis, MN.

Watts, Jean. In Search of Perspective. 1989, Ohio Psychology Press.

Dayton, OH.

Webb, James, Edward Amend, Nadia Webb, Jean Goerss, Paul

Beljan, and F. Richard Olenchak. Misdiagnosis and Dual Diagnoses of Gifted Children and Adults: ADHD, Bipolar, OCD, Asperger’s, Depression, and Other Disorders. 2005, Great Potential Press. Scottsdale, AZ.